As Mother’s Day approaches, it’s time to reflect on the myth of the perfect mother. An insidious myth perpetuated by various societal influences, including media portrayals, cultural norms, and even well-meaning advice from family and friends. It’s not just about being a Supermum, you’re also expected to be a successful individual and career woman, find, and live your passion, have a gorgeous figure and be both a spiritual and sex goddess – all in one package!
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing oneself to an unattainable standard.
Healthy Attachment:
Mothers play a crucial role in fostering healthy attachment with their children. When there is a lack of attunement between a mother and child during crucial developmental stages, it can significantly impact the child’s attachment style. Healthy attachment allows the child to respond appropriately and integrate during moments of disjunction, facilitating healing when breakdowns occur.
It’s important to note that achieving perfect mothering isn’t necessary. What truly matters is developing a healthy sense of self in both the child and the mother.
Optimal Frustration and Self-Regulation:
Stress does happen, and there are disjunctions that will occur and that’s actually really good because it is through what the self-psychologist call ‘optimal frustration’, that children develop a healthy sense of self.
Optimal frustration encourages parents and caregivers to provide a supportive environment where children can experience manageable levels of difficulty. When there are disjunctions, and they are appropriately healed, the infant learns essential skills like frustration tolerance, knowing that despite challenges, their caregiver will return.
The child will of course test boundaries, but it’s important for the mother to remain firm without expecting the immediate response from the child to be that of love. Sometimes, the child may express anger towards the mother, and in such situations, the mother needs to learn how to keep an open heart and set appropriate boundaries. For example: Mother may need to send the child to bed. The child might feel disappointed and frustrated possibly. Yet it learns that it is ok to express anger toward Mother and yet Mother still keeps an open heart toward the child and stays firm about ‘bedtime’. This dynamic usually leads to a realisation by the child that mother’s guidance comes from a place of love and care and restrictions by ‘outside forces’ are manageable.
Quintessentially, interpersonal breakdowns between Mother and child will always occur (that’s Life) however as long as these ‘breakdowns are reparable and not traumatic, it allows the child to develop ‘hope’ when faced with frustrations about their life.
Basically, that the mother doesn’t have to be overly attuned or perfect all the time to create empathic perspective.
Social Support and Authentic Relationships:
Modern mothers often face mental overload as they traverse the complex balancing act of multiple roles. This juggling act can result in overwhelming stress and strains which negatively impacts their mental well-being. Moreover, decision-making fatigue adds to the burden as mothers continuously navigate through choices related to childcare, education, finances, and daily routines, making it challenging to prioritise effectively.
Therefore, it is crucial for many women to prioritise their social networks and invest enough effort in creating a supportive community for their child. The concept it ‘takes a village to raise a child’ is certainly true. Recognising and addressing these challenges is crucial and having authentic relationships not only allows mothers to meet their individual needs but also ensures they are seen as individuals beyond their role as a mother.
Building authentic and vulnerable relationships is key because without them, the child may view the mother as their only true intimate connection. This can lead to enmeshment, which it is important for Mothers to actively cultivate social connections.
In conclusion, mothers don’t need to meet unrealistic standards of perfection. Good enough parenting is in fact – good enough. By prioritising their own well-being, seeking support when needed, and embracing imperfections, mothers can create a nurturing environment where children can thrive and grow into resilient individuals.
The Hoffman Process provides participants with the necessary healing and understanding to find the balance between taking care of others and taking care of Self.